Monday, January 18, 2010

We can all use a little support. We can all use a bit of sunshine when the days are bleak. They say laughter is the best medicine so I hope this gives you a little laugh today.
Does Anybody Hear Me?

I wonder...

Has anyone ever really heard my voice?

Has anyone truly read and understood the words I've written?

Has my life made a difference in the smallest way?

When I draw my final breath and am removed from life, will pieces of my story remain in the annals of times?
Or given the time of my life and the way I spent it, will anyone even know that I existed?

I wonder... Oh Lord.

Have I truly heard your voice?

Have I truly read and understood the words you've written?

Have I allowed you touch my life, and touch others through me in the smallest way?

When I draw my last breath, when I reach for eternity, will it be said of me that I lived for you?
Or will anyone even know that you existed in me?

I wonder... Oh Lord what is the measure of a life?

That I sold a million copies of a book?

That I made a million dollars?

That I lived a million lifetimes in a million seconds?

That I touched a single life?

I wonder...
Lord, make me to know my end.
And what is the measure of my days.
That I may know how frail I am

Indeed, you have made days as handbreadths,
and my age is as nothing before you.
Certainly everyman is but a vapor.  Selah

Surely every man walks about like a shadow;
Surely they busy themselves in vain;
He heaps up riches,
and does not know who will gather them.

And now Lord, what do I wait for?
My hope is in you.  Psalm 39: 4-7

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Where did that thought go and other mysteries...

I think, therefore I am...
I am, therefore I think...
I think I am so... I am I think.

Thoughts are everyday part of life, they should be cohesive.
Like notes on a scale, they can flow like a beautiful aria,
or sound discombobulated, like they're being played by my dog.

I should be able to put them on paper. I should be able to relay them to others.
Some are better unspoken. Some have me in chains

You can put your mind into a quandary just thinking about your thoughts.
Especially when they are scrambled.

Have I lost you completely?
Don't feel bad I lose myself all the time.
                                    Like now, when I'm trying to wax poetic about thoughts.

How come I can practice a song, and sing it through, but when I stand in front of the mirror, my mind goes blank? I've sang the song through without a paper crutch for the words and suddenly the words, once my eyes see my lips move, slip my mind?

Is it age that throws my mind akilter?  I wished that was my excuse. Age probably adds to the break down of my thoughts, or the interpretation of them, but I've had problems for years.
Most people do.

Think about that test you're about to take, the one you've studied for. And how, when they lay the paper in front of you, your mind takes a day trip to forgetfulville.

Or perhaps you have a mental grocery list. It's small, but when you reach the store, it's gone. Like the phone numbers you've recited over and over as you tried to punch in the number. And still dialed wrong.

We're constantly second guessing ourselves. We think of everything at once.

For example, you know as you're flying away for that week vacation, you turned the stove off. Still there is a sense of doubt. No matter what you do, the thought chips away at your reasoning and leaves you with the expectation that your house will be shards when you return because of the explosion.

Or you thought you said something that might have offended someone, and it drives you to near distraction because you're certain they're going to hate you. The thought strangles your sleep until you have to call and apologize. And they had no idea what you were talking about.

Thoughts are strange. They can be thought provoking, thoughtless, you can loose a thought, or get one. Thoughts seemed to be hooked right to your blood pressure. They elate, they uplift, they encourage, they disappoint, they reprimand, they hurt, they hinder.They are ever with us, and ever elusive.

As a writer I can dream a story from beginning to end, but when I go to write it down the words can get lost in translation? My thoughts can't formulate a paragraph, let alone a sentence. Which can be quite irritating one is looking for wordage.

Stories are full of sentences, don't ya know?

Amazingly, I can sit down and think the story through again. See it plain as the nose on your face ( or mine when I cross my eyes.)

Maybe my thoughts aren't firing properly from brain to fingers to keyboard. So I decide to try a tape recorder. Some people swear by that technique.

I swore too...(not in a good way) As soon as I hit the record button, my thoughts were frozen. I sat there with my mouth open, the first word caught on the tip of my tongue. I couldn't for the life of me spit it out.

Figuring I trick my mind, and make it think I'm was talking my story through, I sat the recorder on voice activation. I started to speak, managed a few words and started to giggle.

Certain that if I can't see the recorder, I won't be able to tell, I lay back, and close my eyes to think of my story. When I'm relaxed,  I will try to dictate to the recorder.

I take a deep breath, start talking once more and shortly I'm laughing and have to stop.

My mind tells me I'm a dork, everyone can see me and I'm alone. And strangely, or not so strangely, with my eyes shut, I can still hear my voice.

And by my way of thinking, the sound is funny and foreign. Meanwhile my good little thoughts are encouring me to try again.

Why do my thoughts bump into one another?

Maybe it's because I think too much. My mind is always critiquing me. It has to know and it has to be right. My mind is intricately designed and while I think I can do everything at once, my mind doesn't do well with overload. But it believes it can.

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?
 How long will my enemy triumph over me?     Psalm 13:2

Yes sadly, my very thoughts can become my enemy. They inhibit me from trying, from seeking what God has for me. Other times, my thoughts are my friends, they keep me grounded, they define my conscience and remind me to pray.

At times there seems to be a fine line of distinction between friend of foe.

Thank God he knows the difference.

The best thing I can do is take a deep breath, set my my paper and pencil aside, shrug off some of the worries, discard the extras that have slipped in and fried my mental circuitry, lay them at God's feet and let him renew my mind. He knows what's going on in my thoughts more than I ever will.

For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.  
                                                                                                   Hebrews 4:12

Oh Lord, quiet my thoughts.