Thursday, July 14, 2011

I Miss My Rut.

After nearly 20 years in Grand Junction, where my hubby and I planned to buy a cabin in the hills by a lake and live out our retirement in the cool hills of Colorado, my plans were thwarted.

Yes Thwarted. Smushed (if that's a word, if not, I like it) Burned. Erased.

Okay they were changed and they were changed against my wishes. (like I always have a say so.)
And now we live in sunny and HOT Arizona. Did I mention it was HOT.

I had a lovely green lush yard in Grand Junction. Okay honestly, most of the lushness of my yard came from crabgrass which I was constantly battling, because it encroached on everything and I did find it quite irritating the way it could choke out my vegetables. But I had mature trees for shade and flowering bushes to give color and ambiance. Oh and shade for the dogs on hot summer days.

Now, while several people around me, have trees and pools, I have a dirt brown yard with two sheds a half of a swing set, where I grow stickers and weeds and am trying to grow bermuda grass.
How Ironic that I'm missing my crabgrass. Even my dogs don't like to tread in the back dirt. They tiptoe along the edges.

People say that this move is a blessing. I know God's hand is in it, he orchestrated every step. I realize sometimes we all need to get out of our ruts. Frankly, I didn't look at my trailer as a rut. And I miss it.

But in all honesty, here is Arizona, I'm praying for those Springs in the Desert the Lord promises, and I am trying to look at this move as a new and awesome adventure. I believe the Lord has plans for me, Jeremiah 29: 11 isn't my favorite verse for nothing. I believe the Lord has something wonderful for me and mine, I'm just having a bit of a time seeing it.

And though I'm trying to envision how I can change this drab landscape behind my house, and everyone keeps telling me you settle in everything will be okay, I'm still prone to shed a tear for the world I left behind. I bought a couple of trees and some oleander, but rose- colored glasses don't change much when your surveying a dirt yard. I just don't want my life to become that dirt yard, I want the color, the vividness of life. I want this desert to flower.

I'm praying for all the Lord has in store for me and what he wants for me to do. I'm praying for his grace and mercy with me. I know being here will give me more outlets for my writing and since I have a new contract for three books through Desert Breeze Publishing, that is a good thing. I know my husband didn't have work in Grand Junction and moving here gave him the opportunity to continue working on planes like he loves to. Two of my children even moved here as well. Though I still miss the son I left behind, and my grandchildren too. I am settling. I think I am.

But let's be honest, when the mercury hits 117 and I feel like I'm in a sweat tent, and I have to trip out across my back dirt yard just so my dogs will take the plunge into the heat, I find I miss my home in Colorado.

I miss my rut.


B. J. Robinson said...

Oh Tina, my heart goes out to you. Change is never easy and moving is so hard. But, God moved you for His purpose I'm sure, as you say. We can't see it, but He can, and He knows what He's doing. Go find a local nursery and see if there are certain types of flowers and grass that will do better to brighten things up. Michelle Sutton lives in Ariziona and may be able to give you some pointers. May God truly bless you and yours. I know how homesick you must be. BJ

Shawna Williams said...

Tina, I feel for you. I had a similar experience when we moved to the Houston area. It wasn't desert, more like a sweaty armpit. I fussed and fussed and eventually we did move again. But now I look back and see that God taught me so much there and I made some of my best friends for life. There were things to appreicate and if I had to do it again that's what I would look for. You're much wiser than me, so you probably already know this. My heart breaks for you though because it hurts to leave something we love behind, especially when its not really a choice but done out of necessity. Bless you!Lots of prayers and love.

Kathleen L. Maher said...

Tina, your writing has amazing soul, because you have endured much. I wish your life was set for the easy cycle, but God has seen fit to allow more difficulty. I know God will make flowers bloom in the waste places for you.
Isaiah 55:13 "Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the LORD's renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed."
And He will certainly use this dry season in your life to anoint your writing with empathy--just like always. May there be joys along the way for you as you bring joy to everyone else. hugs! Kathy

Tina Pinson said...

Thanks everyone, I so much appreciate each for stopping by and sharing tor hearts and listening to mine. I know the Lord has so much more for us than even could imagine. And I pray for a heart open to all he for me and the same for you.

In Christ's love



Gina said...

My heart goes out to you, Tina. Sometimes we all have trouble seeing the blossoms under the rubble. Maybe right now the dust is there to give you a break from seeing anything new...a grey area before you plunge into the new-ness and while you are still consoled by colorful memories. I know when I have had to change, without really wanting to, it has taken time for things to smooth out. But things will. I will say a devotion that you stay strong through this transition time and find your joy again.

Vijaya Schartz said...

Do not despair, Tina. I live in Phoenix Arizona, and my husband is from Oregon. For almost twenty years now, he has been trying to recreate Oregon in the desert. The summer may seem a bear, but consider it like the winter in colder climates, everything sleeps. Then in the fall, the roses bloom again and the desert comes alive, until the next summer, when nature goes dormant under the sun.

Christina said...

Tina, I don't know what it is to be homesick. Right now I long for sandy beaches and ocean breezes it's got to be better than this heat wave we're having in Kansas.

I've only been to Arizona once. There is beauty in the desert. Yes it can be hot that is why many have in ground pools. Look at it this way, you could have crab grass and the 110+ temps with humidity. *g*

You're only a few hours from Flagstaff which is absolutely beautiful. And if I recall the Grand Canyon isn't too far. The painted desert is a bit further but worth a research trip.

Think of all the writing inspiration. Perhaps there is a NY best seller in the works.

I pray you find God's peace in your move.

TexasTami said...

Okay, Tina. I'm going to be the thorn in your blog today. I think it's WONDERFUL that you're in Arizona, in that nasty HEAT, with a dirt back yard that even your dogs avoid. You know why? BECAUSE IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET BETTER! Fall will come, with its cooler temps. Grass will grow. Plants will bloom. Rain will descend. And you have neighbors to meet and take goodies to. I really envy you your move. The rest of us are stuck in our ruts, with no prospect of a move in sight.

From a Texan living in Colorado, who went through all the things you're going through, and who still misses HOME, but really likes most aspects of Colorado...
With much hope for you,

Anonymous said...

I feel for you and hope you are surrounded by peace and love. In 1975 at age nineteen, my first son was born in Southeast Texas and when he was 7 months old my husband found a new job in New Mexico. I missed the clover, wild flowers, green grass and Green Trees and our Families. No beaches in sight but there was a pond outside of town with ducks and our delight was going out to feed the ducks. Computers were unheard of at the time and letters were my main means of communicating with my family back home. The first Christmas there I ordered our first artificial tree from Sears, Roebuck catalog for $9.00. I was so homesick. Two years later, my second son was born and by then we had adjusted to the temperature differences and were used to sand storms and snow. The second November my husband had an appendix attack in the middle of a snowstorm. Our church family stepped in and helped. We visited Carlsbad Caverns regularly on weekends and enjoyed the beauty of Riodoso sliding down the snow on cardboard and viewing Grizzly Adams being filmed. We prayed for God to send people to church for us to be friends with and have things in common with. God sent a new preacher and three young families. One of the older couples at church appeared at the hospital and sat with us all night when I was in labor with my second son. God knows our hearts and what we need and His plan can be so much better than we could ever imagine. One of the couples bought the house next door to us and I can still remember hanging clothes on the clothesline and Heather looking out her window chattering at age three. When my second son was seven months old my husband transferred and we moved home. I missed our life there as much as I had missed our home when we moved out there. Each place and person finds its own place in my heart. The same as each of my sons enlarged and filled it with love. Today, I look back and feel those were some of the happiest learning experiences in our life. The openness of the desert had a beauty all its own that I fell in love with. We are so fortunate to live in America with its many dimensions. Each place has its own beauty in different ways. I pray God will guide your heart and mind and fill your life with happiness. My third son was born after we returned home. I had prayed that my first baby would be a boy and God gave me three. My baby is 31. I am so glad two of your children were able to move with you. I am within an hour of all three of my sons and it is a blessing to visit with my grandchildren on weekends. My first two Grandchildren were girls:) And there is never a dull moment.