Saturday, May 13, 2017

A Mother's Musings - from the Archives

A Mother's Musings
By Tina Pinson

No one ever said Motherhood would be easy. Of course they never said it would touch your deepest emotions, enthrall and even scare you to death.

When the doctor told me I was pregnant, I waited for the punch-line. I'd just stopped birth control and believed it still had to work its way out of my system. Okay so I was rather naïve.

But I was… (gulp) Pregnant. The tests were right on, and my near fainting in the Coronado, California Surf confirmed it.

Oh Lord.

With hubby in the navy, I got to spend a lot of quality time alone thinking about what being a mother entailed. Would I be a good mother?

About then, I felt like I wasn't going to make it to the end of the pregnancy let alone motherhood. Morning sickness had me by the throat, or should I say stomach, and it wasn't letting go.

Let's not forget all the tests, and the weight gain and the tests and the weight gain. And the indigestion, and the tears and the … Did I mention tests and weight gain?

I remember thinking this motherhood stuff wasn't all it was cracked up to be. So far anyway. Then my baby moved. Just a flutter and something was released in me. The awe, the reality, the love. I don't know how to explain it.

Now I was pregnant, it was more than a failed test. And I wanted everyone to know. So I bought shirts -- Baby on Board, Arrow pointing to Baby-- to proclaim my condition. And told anyone who would listen that I was pregnant and would be a mother soon. Hubby and I chose names, and began to build the nest for our child.

The baby came, and strangely I was overwhelmed with this feeling of love, mingled with a sense of fear. Here was this child and I wondered if I was prepared to care for something so small, so fragile, so lovely. I was certain I was doomed for failure.

I'm sure many of you can share the feeling. Maybe some of you can't quite remember. So allow me to take you back. In honor of Mother's Day, let me walk you down paths of memory.

So there I was holding this child, this little boy, in my arms and nothing could mask the wonder of the warmth against my chest, or the heart beat that seemed to dance with my own.

Mother and Child
By Tina Pinson

You're so small, so soft, so full of life
And in need of my loving care.
As I cradle you close against my breast
You feel so warm and tender there.
Your eyes, so blue, don't see too clearly now,
But yet you seem to smile
As if you know these tears I cry, fall joyously,
From being blessed with you my child.
You're my first and I am amazed
At this miracle called birth,
To have you grow, move and live in me
Was the greatest thrill on earth.
From this day forward my little one
On you love and care I bestow.
I promise to be the best mother I can,
For Precious gift from God, I love you so.

Heavens to Murgatroid… I was a mommy. This little boy with a full halo of black hair. This little boy that fit into the niche of my womb, changed my world. And left me with a whole new set of responsibilities.

I had little rest. But who wanted to sleep when they could hold such a miracle. Yeah, that lasted for a day or so, then reality sat in. I was a mommy now.

And I had a child prodigy to care for. My child crawled early, started to talk early, started to walk early and he had even temperament. I had the perfect child, but of course, I was the perfect mother.

I could handle anything. But then, someone forgot to mention the wonders of Potty Training.

I'd stand my son up to the toilet, because he assured me he only had to Pee, and then he'd go Potty as well. UGH. So, the next time I sat him down and knelt before him to offer my encouragement… only to get fired upon from a stream of Pee escaping from under the toilet lid.

Why had no one given me rules?

Potty Training
By Tina Pinson

Rolls and Rolls of toilet paper
Have been strewn across the floor,

As mommy tries to potty train
Her child before he's four.

She's learned the game to play,
The one, hide, smell and seek.

She's thought of giving up
At least five days every week.

She read the manual that tells,
"How to Potty Train in just One Day."

She drew the X at the bottom of the bowl,
But her child didn't want to play.

Patiently she tried the "Little" can
And the "Sink the Cheerios" too.

Yes, she tried every simple trick,
But nothing seemed to do

So she sat each day, coaxing him.
"Please go potty for mommy," she implored.

Her child replied, "But I don't have to go."
Then smiles sheepishly, as he goes on the floor.

Well we finally got through that and moved on to other things. Like: Talking in full sentences, tying shoes, riding a tricycle.

Going to school.

I walked my son to school and didn't want to let go of his hand. When he walked away, I stood there in stunned silence, tears making tracks on my cheeks, wondering how my son managed to get so big.

That was to be the first time of many such moments. And everyone of them left me awed.

He learned to write, learned math, and learned how to read. He started riding a two wheeled bike and wanted to go play with other friends.
The days passed and he was in first grade, second grade, and then third. He was every changing, ever growing.

My Son, My Son
By Tina Pinson

Gone are the days of squeaky toys
and the worn stuffed teddy bear.

My Son has grown, he older now,
my tiny baby is no longer there.

He longs to play football and soccer.
He wants a baseball glove.

I just want to hold him tightly in my arms,
and shower him with love

He'll come up and grab my waist.
Hugs are okay when no one sees.

I want time to finger his soft hair,
so I squeeze him close to me.

Tears fill my eyes as I miss the child,
who now stands four feet tall.

I know he'll continue growing
and will never again be small

But I'm reminded of how amazing it's been
just to watch him grow.

I know he's not my tiny baby now,
but I love him more than he'll ever know.

And suddenly he was off to high school and learning how to drive. He wanted to go on dates, and get a job. And mommy was looking for ways to keep time from moving so fast. There's no formula for that.

Time kept moving.

Pages of life kept turning. Written upon until they were filled, and turned again to a new page.
And just like someone had snapped their fingers, moments became hours and hours became days and days became years and soon my son was graduating.

My baby… that little boy I'd carried all those years ago was…

A Parent's Graduation Prayer
By Tina Pinson

Precious Son… Beloved to me,
I watch you walk away and I am filled with a sense of pride.
for the man you've become, the man you will be.
You've grown now, and you're heading off into a world to blaze that trail
To live your life.
Much has been accomplished in what seems too short of time.
I'm prouder than any parent could be.
But deep in my heart, in that sheltered place,
I feel as though someone has taken a knife and hollowed my soul.
I long to run after you, to continue this walk together,
But the path is only wide enough for you and one other.
and I know I am not the one who can walk it with you.
Nor the one who should
Oh, but all my senses cry out, begging me to run to your side,
take your hand in mine and never relinquish that hold.
But my feet are planted, and I stand silently in the shadows, weeping,
watching as you walk away.
My hands are limp and empty by my side.
Then in moments of sorrow, I look up and see who walks with you.
I look up and see, like me, you are sheltered under His arm.
Close to His heart. And He'll never let you walk alone.
And my hand, finding the strength to let you go,
Lifts with prayer for your tomorrows,
lifts with praise as I lay you in the hands of the only one who can carry you.
The one who always has.

I made it through graduation.(Three times) I was certain my eldest son would live in the same town and I would continue to see him daily. Ha. He joined the Navy and was sent around the world. To places of unrest. I spent a lot of time on my knees in prayer. I wanted that part of his journey over. I wanted my son home. He wanted to get married.

I realize I've taken you on a pretty fast ride through the years of motherhood. But time would not permit the full run. And this is only a small part of the steps in my child's life. There are many more that have passed and many are yet to come. Now I am a grand mother, with nine grand children and another on the way.

I want to encourage every mother out there to cherish the moments you have with your children. Take the time to make the memories cause time passes much too quickly.

Baby Steps
By Tina Pinson

I used to carry you, used to complain
at how heavy you were becoming.
So I sat you down and taught you to walk.

Baby Steps…
Look at you. When did you learn to walk so well?

I used to hold your hand. Or you held mine.
But a time soon came when you want to run.
So I let you go and watched you trot away.

Baby Steps…
When did you learn to run so fast?

I used to watch you play. You’d play close by.
But running gave way to bikes and bikes gave way to cars.
With a prayer, I handed you the keys and watched you drive away.

Baby Steps…
Where did that handsome young man come from?

I used to listen for the roar from your car's engine,
signaling your safe return home.
But you've moved away
Now I wait to hear your voice. I wait for you to call home

Baby Steps…
Oh that I could watch you toddling again.

I remember when I led you and you walked in my shadow.
When did your steps surpass mine?
When did your shadow become so long?

It felt like you grew up over night when I wasn't looking.

To every mother out there, to those who dream of the child they will have, to those who hold one in their arms even now, to those with children at home and those with an empty nest to those who have lost children.

I just want to say Happy Mother's Day. May you know blessing and honor.

Since writing this back in 2011, I lost my mother. A day doesn't go by that I don't think of her and long for her. And on Mother's Day and special times in life, the feeling is much more acute. But, after her battle with cancer, I know she is in a better place. I have the hope in Christ that I will she her and my father again. Many of you have lost your mother, too.  I pray your mother's day, though it may come with the sorrow of missing your mother, holds the beauty of the memories and love you and your mother shared.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

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